We’ve learned from Ahmad Yusuf how to climb Kilimanjaro like an alpinist. Today, I will teach you how to climb Mount Hood like an alpinist.
Pre-trip
Book your flight just one day in advance. If possible, book it the same day. Alpinists have no time to plan their trip or check the weather. After your flight is booked, make sure you have everything you need for the climb that you know nothing about. Think you are ok. Realize that you actually need a technical ice ax, and a helmet, to climb this mountain.
Go to REI and spend $300 on the only technical ice ax on the wall. Realize that you won’t be able to stay in a hotel after your flight lands at midnight, you’ll have to start your hike as soon as possible. Aim for 2:00am. Make sure your flight gets delayed. Land in Oregon about when you intended to begin your ascent. Rent a truck with 4 wheel drive and hope that you don’t get stuck in the snow on the way to the Timberline lodge. Buy a Rockstar energy drink – you’re going to need it. Arrive at the Timberline lodge and put on your mountaineering boots for the first time – wow, these are stiff. Pretend like you know what you are doing when you fill out your self issued permit.
The ascent
Look at AllTrails for a route to climb – remember, you didn’t have enough time to know your route – all you know is that you need to go up the pearly gates or the old chute – you’ll know them when you see them. Get lost. See the only other climber on the mountain, ask him for directions, realize you are hundred of yards away from where you need to be. Traverse the mountain. While traversing, have your left crampon fall off your boot. When putting it back on, make sure ⅔ of your water supply falls out of your pack, and watch it tumble down the mountain, along with your dream of summiting solo. Fix your crampon and get going towards the Devil’s Kitchen. Get knocked over by wind gusts of 50 mph. You should’ve checked the weather before booking your flight! Continue your ascent towards the hogsback. Feel very tired. Just do 4 steps at a time, you’ll be ok, just keep walking. Get mad at how deep the snow is. You definitely should’ve brought snowshoes or skis. Almost faint from the disgusting fumes coming from the Devil’s Kitchen. Sulfur is now your worst enemy. Arrive at the hogsback well behind schedule. See how much more climbing you have to do. Consider turning back for an hour before finding other climbers coming your way. Maybe they know what to do. If they ascend, you ascend. They tell you they are ascending, looks like you are going to follow. Cross the bergschrund. Have your partner step through a snow bridge, exposing a giant crevasse that appears to be bottomless. Watch two climbers bail. You will not, though, as you are an alpinist. Go around the crevasse. Traverse a glacier up to the left pearly gate, following the guy that seems like he knows what he is doing. Don’t look down. Slipping might kill you. Take out your technical ice ax. You’re going to need it on the pearly gates. It seems fun to use, and be excited that you finally get to ice climb for the first time in your life. March up the pearly gate like a maniac. Never look down. Feel the fear of God as you hope that your crampons and ax are secure enough to hold your weight. Think about what would happen if you fell. How stupid you would seem, how much it might hurt, if someone would even be able to rescue you. Shake it off. Just climb. Put most of your weight on your legs, your arms are getting tired. You’ve made it past the technical parts – rest on the slope, breathing heavily, still scared. Hide from the ice falling from the summit. Try to prevent the wind from ripping off your ski goggles. Fail. Accept that your ski goggles are filled with ice and that you can barely see anything. Come out of the pearly gate. You can see the summit. It is just a stairmaster from here. Slowly ascend, digging through more and more deep snow. You can’t see the person you climbed up with anymore, he must’ve gotten bored waiting for you. Feel scared because you are the only person this high on the mountain. Summit, but don’t feel any glory – just get down, this is scary. The wind is harsh, you can’t see anything, and you have no water. Alpinism at its finest!
The descent
Go down way too fast. Your feet are blistered and hurting. Your legs can barely support your weight. You are light headed from the altitude (after all, you live at sea level and just rapidly ascended to 11k feet). Go back down the way you came, no time to see a new route. Just get down before the winds get worse and the sun sets. Do not get stuck in a whiteout. Have feelings of hatred towards Mount Hood. Mountaineering sucks. It just hurts. Why did you even decide to do this? Arrive back at the Timberline lodge parking lot. Notice your phone is broken. Your car has no GPS, how are you going to get back to the airport, find a hotel? Ask a park ranger to print directions to the nearest Apple store for you. Buy another energy drink, you are too tired to drive. Arrive at the Apple store. Buy a new phone. Have no photos of the trip, as the mountain took the life of your phone. Fly back in the same clothes you climbed in. Write a blog post about your experience. Plan for another climb.
Teddy Holappa 